A thousand factors impact our lives; influencing and carving a mark on it. As children we are dependent on others and most of our behaviour is learned through direct or indirect observations. Our trials, victories, heart aches and needs all are bundled up inside us. As we grow up, we find coping strategies that fit the expectations of society. However, emotions are not concrete blocks but fluid energy that needs release. Since we are not equipped to deal with pain, disappointment and anger in a healthy way (that is to acknowledge, accept, feel and release them in a positive way) these feelings simply lurk beneath the surface and they make us more reactive than responsive.
A powerful tool and one of the most effective ways to heal is to get in touch with our inner child, our roots. Imagine a child throwing a tantrum over and over for attention but never gets the love they need. Our emotions are representative of our trapped, tantrum throwing inner child. It needs to be acknowledged, loved and allowed the freedom to express in a positive way.
Through meditation, guided meditations, or being aware of the reason of our reactions we can tune into the unfulfilled needs of the inner child and give it the love and support it deserves.
Start by –
1. Listening to the inner child with an empathetic ear
2. Acknowledge their pain and allow self to feel it
3. Watch when the inner self reacts or is afraid, breathe and imagine that you are talking to them, even hugging them. Ask the inner child what it needs. Give it validation.
These few steps will bring up a lot of emotions to the surface. Its like purging your life of unfulfilled emotional baggage that you might not be even aware of. Accept, forgive and let go. Assure your inner child that it was the past, and now we are in it together. Although these few steps have helped me tune in, I would recommend therapy for any unresolved trauma or conflict. Mental health is not a joke. Mental health is not a taboo.
Have you tried connecting with your inner child? What was your experience?
At the onset of Covid, we began our day with a sense of drudgery. Watching the news, following the alarming increase in the number of cases world over, powerful leaders at their knees, saw thousands of migrant workers broken in spirit, many starved to death. The economies around the world plummeted, unemployment rampant. We carried on with what we could, trying to make sense of what was happening around, realising we as a race are so frail, without power.
Covid has its entourage of consequences that we have to deal with, mental health being one of them. I have been looking at what meaning we can derive from this suffering.
Victor E. Frankl, in his beautiful book, Man’s Search for Meaning, explains “What is demanded of man is not, as some existential philosophers teach, to endure the meaninglessness of life, but rather to bear his incapacity to grasp its unconditional meaningfulness in rational terms.” Suffering like happiness is a part of life. We often ask ourselves, others and in our prayers, ‘Why do we suffer?’ It’s a question that can find resolution in philosophical, spiritual or religious understanding, but never in concrete terms, but yet, it remains a fact based on collective and individual experiences. If we do try to apprehend meaning out of our suffering in a rational way and try to apply our derived message by giving it some direction, to help ourselves and others, our suffering would hold to have some logic to it.
In the movie Collateral Damage (starring Will Smith in the lead, got terrible reviews) a mourning father retreats from life and is angry with God. Spoiler alter – God sends him angels who try to make him see the collateral beauty of pain and suffering. You only get to know the angels are not humans toward the end, but that’s besides the point. I am not talking about angels descending on Earth and God answering all our prayers, but about the movie that makes us want to live a more purposeful life even after losing a child. (I have goosebumps and a nasty uneasiness just writing about it. The cast is brilliant, give me Helen Mirren in any role and I am all senses in)
Away from our super fast paced lives, sheltered somewhat from the societal expectations of being a superhero in a human costume, I have certainly felt a change in me. I have looked deeper, and have formed a more meaningful connection with myself and with my family. I craved space from my children, who I felt demanded too much of my time and energy, I missed the time for myself when they were in school. Six months into lockdown, I look forward to them going out and enjoy the fresh air and space to run around and just be messy kids outdoors, but I no longer crave a space between them and I, that would turn me into a restless mother, and sometimes even a frustrated ill tempered one (well frustrated and tempered, sometimes, Covid didn’t turn me into a saint, yet!) We have learnt to live together with a renewed respect of each other’s being. They have accepted their mum needs alone time, is a mild case of OCD and I have accepted that they like to be all over me all the time and have no interest in keeping a clean house. That’s just how is it. It’s a messy, most of the time feel good situation, without the need to keep up with any pretences. Temper tantrums are taken care of by lending an empathetic ear by both parties (children and parents) the by-product of which is to realise that our engines are running fast and are hot, and we now give each other time to calm down. We read a lot of books together, make up stories and play board games. Sometimes we admit to one another that we are bored or upset and just need to be grumpy.
I started reading again, realised I hate multitasking and love cooking, joined a few workshops online that I always wanted to do, have been watching documentaries, listening to audiobooks, doing a lot of home chores, learnt to roll sushi! Looked for what really brings me down and keep my distance from it. My relationship with my husband has gone through tremendous changes too. We are more honest of our expectations of each other and voice it out more often, than letting it simmer with our high and mighty egos intact (usually mine more than his). Now that I am writing this, maybe I did need this break. This time away from the world, yet, understanding how important true connections are. How important gratitude is.
I long to be with my family in Delhi, I want to hug my parents and tell them I love them, sit with my siblings and nieces and nephews and laugh over desserts and shawarmas late into the night. I don’t know when we will be taking that trip but I speak to them more often than I did on the phone. Being an ignorant consumer doesn’t interest me now, I am more aware of the choices I make. I am more accepting of myself, just being in my body and connecting to a higher self, not certain if I’ll cross that threshold but there is some more clarity. I am certain we are nearing an oncoming revolution, this time it won’t be of land, property, greed, power or fragile egos but of morality.
Maybe the universe is giving us a chance to look within and really evaluate what’s happening around, Earth is better off without a parasite called homo sapien, the other elements say, but we have been given an opportunity to find our roots again. We have no power, it’s an illusion. Accepting what is and living our reality with a higher sense of purpose is then the collateral beauty of suffering.
Sharing a few quotes from Eckhart Tolle, one of the most influential spiritual leaders of our times. He explains that the only way to be alive is to live the present moment well, with awareness and in connection with our inner Being. Highly recommend to start with his book The Power of Now, if you are interested in reading his work.
“If you cannot accept what is outside, then accept what is inside.”
Unease, anxiety, tension, stress, worry – all forms of fear – are caused by too much future, and not enough presence. Guilt, regret, resentment, grievances, sadness, bitterness, and all forms of non-forgiveness are caused by too much past, and not enough presence.
The Banyan Tree Project 